No Amygdala

I have been very on-and-off-again with this whole weight loss crap. I just can’t seem to figure out what is healthy enough within my budget range. Bleh. That is a new goal:

• Figure out a healthy grocery list that works for the budget and stick to it.

A couple of days ago, I walked for twenty minutes and burned something like 103 calories. I was in a particularly grumpy mood, and had not been exercising at all the past four days or so. I realized I generally dislike cardio as I tend to get so bored while doing it. I much prefer strength training.  I guess I like the latter more due to “feeling the burn” faster? Maybe I’m doing my cardio wrong, I don’t know.

Anyway, today I surprised myself by getting out and walking for forty minutes. That’s nearly an hour of constant motion, which is pretty rad considering I’m like a human koala (sleeping way more than I’m awake, etc.).

I was so happy. I worked up a sweat, too, which is rare. I live in Florida and even on the hottest of days I rarely break into a sweat. I dunno why. But the fact that I did enough moving around to warrant sweat is good.

However, I’ve noticed some lung pain when I walk. I quit smoking cigarettes after smoking on and off for about eight years in May of last year. The last time I smoked a hookah was in October 2010. It only ever seems to be my right lung, but it feels like it’s being compressed or something. It hurts to inhale. I guess my lungs are just adjusting to the increased level of activity. It’s also relatively cold out, so maybe that has something to do with it.

I made a poor choice in food today, and I’m kind of bummed because I feel as if I just wasted everything I worked off, even though I technically have 200 calories left. Still, that’s not a lot for the day. Meh.

Better luck tomorrow.

I’m going to the store tomorrow, with a little luck. I’ve decided I’ll post my myfitnesspal.com stats along with what I eat every day. Maybe this will dissuade me from eating unhealthier foods when I’m low on healthy items. *strokes invisible beard*

I always try to make entries like these as short as possible in the beginning, and end up with novel-length posts. Having said that, I have no idea how long this is going to be. I tend to get carried away sometimes. 

I started gaining weight when I was around six years old. Pretty young, yeah? Well, it’s an easy feat to accomplish when you’re an only child who is spoiled and lives off of McDonald’s. Throw in some inactivity and an early fascination with computers, and you’ve got yourself the makings of a sendentary geek. 

I was bullied, called horrible names, excluded from many social circles, and was pretty much a loner all of my life. This led to anxiety and depression. 

Skipping along. When I was around 18 years old, I had been having chronic headaches. I got prescribed the anti-seizure medication called Topamax. It also helps with headaches, hence my taking it. Not only did my headaches lessen in frequency and discomfort, I lost my appetite. I stopped eating except for when my mother would force me to, and even when I WOULD eat I would get full after three or four bites. 

Needless to say, having been heavy most of my life I was totally pumped about losing weight with absolutely no effort. I lost probably around 60 lbs. over the span of four months.

Of course, this was a completely unnatural and unhealthy way of losing the weight. I was losing too quickly and was not exercising at all. I had loose skin that I later had surgically removed from my arms, legs and stomach. After the operation, I was probably around 135 lbs.

I ignorantly continued to barely eat while on Topamax (because, honestly? I just wasn’t hungry while I was on it) never once thinking it was bad for me. I was in bliss over the fact that I was skinny for the first time in my life, that I was able to wear the fashions I’d only ever been able to dream about before. I eventually was put on Adderall while I was in college, as I also have ADD. The combination of these two medications killed my appetite completely, and I got down to my lowest weight: 117 lbs. Possibly lower, as I didn’t make a habit of weighing myself.

117 lbs. on a 5’6” frame is not good, nor is it healthy. Looking back at pictures, I wasn’t far off from a skeleton. But you couldn’t convince me of it at the time.

It was all lovely and wonderful for me, except for the fact that I was totally unhealthy and on a bunch of prescribed drugs to help with the myriad of mental disorders I’d accumulated over the years. Eventually, I got off of the Topamax and Adderall, and my old habits returned with a vengeance.

I was at a healthy weight of 145 lbs. about a year and a half ago. Now, I am around 180-185. Tonight, I looked at some pictures of myself taken last Christmas, and it was a huge wake up call. I want to get healthy again, and as impatient as I am (and have grown accustomed to being concerning weight loss) I really do want to try doing it the healthy way. 

I lost weight the first time by pure, dumb luck. Topamax doesn’t affect everyone with appetite loss. I just happened to be in the small group of people whose body reacted that way. I took advantage of it, I thought I would stay that way forever, and the wake up call has been unpleasant. The healthy way is hard. People who don’t resort to pills or procedures for their weight loss are admirable in my mind, because it takes a lot of willpower. 

I’m going to do my best to do this, because I simply cannot allow myself to get back to my highest weight (220 lbs.). I’m not too far off at this point. I have got to do something NOW if I’m going to change my body and my lifestyle. 

There are plenty of roadblocks, unfortunately, and one of those is finance. I don’t have a dependable, steady income. It’s really hard for me to plan on getting groceries due to my personal life at the moment, but recently things seem to be turning around for the better, which is why I am going to do my best to get the ball rolling, even if I can only be healthy a certain amount of days out of the week (due to not having enough money to plan healthy meals for the entire week… I hate how expensive healthy foods are).

So yeah. I wish I had written this more eloquently, but as I touched on earlier I’m a very impatient person, lol. /backstory

• Refried Beans
• Black Beans
• Cheese (Sharp cheddar)
• Eggs
• Whole-Wheat Flour
• Whole-Wheat Bread
• Whole-Wheat/Grain Waffles
• Spinach (Bagged)
• Pita & Flat Bread
• Tomato Sauce
• Hummus
• Carrots
• Brown Rice

Things to look into:

• Skinny Cow Ice Cream
• Almond Milk
• Tomato Basil Burgers

Today, I’ve decided to finally go on my frakking liquid diet. I’m going to try this for a week and see if it helps to jumpstart my weight loss.

• 9 AM (Or whenever I wake up): 100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 10 AM: 250 Calorie Solid Meal
• 11 AM:  100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 12 PM:  100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 1 PM: 100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 2 PM: 100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 3 PM: 100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 4 PM: 100 Calorie Protein Shake
• 5 PM: 250 Calorie Solid Meal

I’m probably going to tweak the time and such as I go. 

Starting Weight: 182 lbs. 

Goal Weight (for 1/22/11): 179 lbs.

Last year, I read about a woman who has a severely under-developed amygdala. The Amygdala is the part of the brain that controls fear, or our flight-or-fight impulses. This renders her unable to experience fear. I thought this was a fascinating story, and while in real life it certainly has its drawbacks, I decided that for 2011 I would foster this approach to every day life. 

I want to do my best to tackle life with no fear, when I can and am able.

This blog is to help me stay positive. I’m going to list everything I do that moves me in a positive direction, be it weight loss, overcoming some fears, or… whatever. 

Here goes nothing, eh?